Why the Bills will Beat the Broncos

by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist

Buffalo Sports Page funny man Jeff Wozer takes his always interesting look at this week’s matchup.

Head-to-Head Record

This marks the 38th meeting between the Bills and Broncos. Buffalo enjoys a 20-16-1 record, which includes stomping the Broncos during its last visit in 2011, 40-14. Conclusion: Denver has about as much chance of winning as Vin Diesel does in being described as a “Shakespearean actor.” EDGE: BILLS

Bills Dominance Against Coaches with Two First Names

Buffalo is 6-3 against Cincinnati’s coach, Marvin Lewis. Denver is now coached by Vance Joseph. Conclusion: Denver has about as much chance of winning as Paul Anka does in being named as next February’s Super Bowl halftime entertainment. EDGE: BILLS

Really, Really Weird Starting Quarterback Birthday Factor

Denver quarterback Trevor Siemian’s birthday is December 26. It’s the same birthday as Metallica co-founder/drummer, Lars Ulrich. Buffalo quarterback Tyrod Taylor is born August 3, the same birthday as Metallica co-founder/vocalist, James Heftield. Conclusion: Lead vocalists are far more cooler than drummers. EDGE: BILLS

Note: Denver’s starting running back C.J. Anderson’s birthday is February 10, the same birthday as former Metallica bassist, Clifford Lee Burton. Buffalo’s starting running back, LeShon McCoy shares the same birthday (July 12) as exercise guru, Richard Simmons. When reached for comment Metallica’s publicist said the band, at this time, harbors no plans to invite Richard Simmons to join them.

State Governor Factor

New York is governed by Andrew Cuomo. Colorado is governed by John Hickenlooper. Conclusion: Hickenlooper sounds like the name of a Disneyland children’s ride. EDGE: BILLS

Stadium Factor

Buffalo plays in New Era Field. Denver plays in Sports Authority Field. Denver plays in a stadium named after a bankrupt retail store that no longer exists. Buffalo plays in a stadium named after a thriving company that keeps shade out of our eyes (or neck, depending on how worn) and is sold in more than 125 countries. Conclusion: I bought my golf clubs at a downtown Denver Sports Authority on Broadway near Speer. My golf game is hangdog wretched. Hence, anything associated with Sports Authority is hangdog wretched. EDGE: BILLS

Final Score

Buffalo 20 Denver 10

 

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

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