Why the Buffalo Bills Will Defeat the Atlanta Falcons

by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist

Each week, sports comedian Jeff Wozer finds an interesting way to break down the Bills game. This week, he’s diving into the game against the Falcons in Atlanta.

Head-to-Head Record

This marks the 12th meeting between the Bills and Falcons. Atlanta leads the series 7-4 making Buffalo only one of five NFL teams that Atlanta has a winning overall record against. The Falcons have won the last four games against the Bills. However, the only time these two teams played against each other in October occurred in 1977 and Buffalo stampeded the Falcons 3-0 on a Neil O’Donoghue second quarter kick. Momentum favors Buffalo. Conclusion: Chances of Atlanta winning are about as likely as the Flock of Seagulls getting its own Sirius radio channel. EDGE: BILLS

Fun Fact: O’Donoghue, Buffalo’s 5th round pick of that year, was canned after the game. He would eventually sign with the St. Louis Cardinals and achieve infamy in a 1983 Monday night game against the Giants by missing three field goal attempts in overtime.

Atlanta’s Record in Years Ending with 7

The Falcons overall are a king-woeful 20-54 in years ending with 7. This includes 1-13 in 1967, 2 -12 in 1987 and 4-12 in 2007. The closest it came to a winning record was in 1977 when the team finished at 7-7. The weight of history shows no mercy. Conclusion: Chances of Atlanta winning are about as likely someone being able to solve the mystery of why Wegmans deli workers can be so diamond-precise with slicing cold cuts yet be so imprecise in measuring a pound.

Atlanta’s Obsession with Scoring 48 Points in the Fourth Game of the Season

On the fourth game of the 2016 season Atlanta kaboomed Carolina 48-33. And in 2015 Atlanta, on the fourth game of the season, thrashed Houston 48-21. However, last year Buffalo, on the fourth game of the season, shutout New England in New England 16-0. Defense always trumps offense. Conclusion: Chances of Atlanta scoring 48 points and winning are about as likely Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, suddenly resigning in order to become the editor of Tiger Beat magazine. EDGE: BILLS

Team Stadiums

Atlanta for 2017 moved into Mercedes-Benz Stadium, a 1.6 billion dollar architectural marvel. Buffalo for 2017 added to its New Era Field concession menu a refillable souvenir popcorn tub. Conclusion: Popcorn appeals to everyone. Mercedes-Benz vehicles only appeal to guys going through midlife crises. EDGE: BILLS

Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Matt Ryan

Matt Ryan is 2-0 against the Bills. In those two games he has tossed four touchdowns with zero interceptions. However, the last game was a 34-31 overtime win in Toronto. Games played in Toronto don’t count. Conclusion: Anyone with the last name of Ryan has no chance with the Bills. EDGE: BILLS

Final Score

Buffalo 24 – Atlanta 20

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

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