Why the Bills Will Beat the Panthers

by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist

Each week, sports comedian Jeff Wozer finds a funny way to break down the Bills matchup.

Head-to-Head Record

Buffalo is 5-1 against the Panthers, 2-0 in Charlotte, 1-0 against Cam Newton, and 2-0 versus kicker Graham Gano who also lost to Buffalo when he kicked for Washington. Conclusion: Chances of Carolina winning are about as likely as actor Scott Baio winning a Lifetime Achievement award at the Oscars. EDGE: BILLS

Head-to-Head Record in the Second Game of the Season

Even though the Bills and Panthers have only played six times, oddly, two of those games were the second games of the 1995 and 2013 seasons. Buffalo won both 31-9 in 24-23. Conclusion: Chances of Carolina winning are about as likely as Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown doing a show in Batavia. EDGE: BILLS

The Bills Record Against Teams With Nicknames From the Big Cat Family

Buffalo is 5-1 against the Panthers, 16-14 against the Bengals, 5-4-1 against the Lions, and 8-7 against the Jaguars. Conclusion: Chances of Carolina winning are about as likely as overhearing someone at a Bills game asking a beer vendor, “Got any O’Douls?” EDGE: BILLS

Bills Dominance Over Running Backs With Two First Names

Last season the Bills defense limited Seattle’s Christine Michael to one yard on five carries and Cincinnati’s Giovani Bernard to 21 yards on seven carries. Combined that averages to only 2.75 yards per carry. Conclusion: Expect Carolina’s Jonathon Stewart to struggle against Buffalo’s notorious shutdown-RBs-with-two-first-names defense. EDGE: BILLS

Charlotte’s Webb

Bills’ quarterback, Joe Webb, spent the previous three seasons with Carolina. Bill’s fullback Mike Tolbert spent the previous five seasons with Carolina. And Cornerback Leonard Johnson and recently acquired receiver Kaelin Clay also spent time with the Panthers. Though none of these players start they do give the Bills insider knowledge on the Panthers. Conclusion: Expect NBC’s Al Michaels to say, “Sometimes I think the Bills have worst Panther players than the Panther’s practice squad has.” EDGE: BILLS

Telling Stats

Two of Buffalo’s five wins against Carolina have been by one point (25-24 in 2001 & 24-23 in 2013) And the team on the losing end in three of the games was limited to nine points
(BUF 31 CAR 9 in 1995; CAR 13 BUF 9 in 2005; BUF 20 CAR 9) Conclusion: Statistics are what writers use to make it sound like they know what they’re talking about. EDGE: BILLS

FINAL SCORE
Buffalo 10 – Carolina 9

 

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

Leave a Reply