Why the Buffalo Bills Will Bounce the Bengals

by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist

Each week, sports comedian Jeff Wozer finds a funny and creative way to predict whether the Bills have the edge on Sunday.

Head-to-Head Record

This will be the 31st meeting between the two teams. Buffalo leads the overall series 16-14, going 11-3 over the last 14 games. Oddly, during this 14-game stretch of Buffalo dominance, the only three games to be played between them in October all resulted in Bengal victories. A clear case of calendar-momentum. However, the only other three times these two teams have played in October Buffalo has come out on top, highlighted by an epic 5-0 win in 1978 that featured 16 punts. Conclusion: Chances of Cincinnati winning are about as likely as seeing James Bond in a casino playing Keno. EDGE: BILLS

How Cincinnati Plays With a 1-3 Record

This marks the 10th time in Bengals’ history that it enters the 5th game of the season with a 1-3 record. It has emerged victorious only once, going an otherwise woeful 1-9. One of these nine losses occurred against Buffalo in 2003 in which the Bills entered that game with a 3-1 record which, coincidentally, it enjoys now. Conclusion: Chances of Buffalo losing are about as likely as the U.S. Naval Academy bestowing a maritime service award upon Captain Crunch. EDGE: BILLS

Games Against Teams With Autumnal Colors

Buffalo is 46-42 overall against teams (Denver, Cleveland, Cincinnati) that feature the autumnal color of orange. Conclusion: Chances of a Cincinnati win are about as likely as CBS broadcasting a home Bills game without showing, at least once, chicken wings being tossed in a silver bowl. EDGE: BILLS

Musical Legacies

Buffalo gave the world funk-master, Rick James. Cincinnati gave us, Nick Lachey, the vocalist for the boy band, 98 Degrees. Conclusion: All boy bands are king-hell annoying. EDGE: BILLS

Musical Legacies Part II

Buffalo gave the world Buffalo Bob Smith and Howdy Doody. Cincinnati gave the world Roy Rogers. Conclusion: Anyone who can make a living from a creepy puppet while dressed in faux buckskin is far more resourceful. EDGE: BILLS

For more of Jeff’s humorous takes on Buffalo sports, visit his author’s section at Buffalo Sports Page.

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

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