Assessing the Overlooked Intangibles Between the Bills & Jets

by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist

Head-to-Head on Opening Day

This marks the 12th time the Jets and Bills have scuffled on opening day. The Bills are 3-8, last winning 31-0 in 1981. The Jets have won the last five home opener meetings, including the infamous 2002 game when the Jets won in overtime on Chad Morton’s second kick return TD of the game causing local Home Depots to experience a next-day surge in drywall repair kits. Conclusion: The Jets are lucky. EDGE: JETS

Opening Games Played on September 10

This marks only the 5th time the Bills play on September 10th. The team sports a 3-1 record. Conversely, the Jets are 1-3 on this date. Conclusion: The Jets suck on September 10th. EDGE: BILLS

Opening Games Played in Years Ending With 7

The Bills are 1-4, with its only win coming in 1967 against the Jets, 20-17. The Jets are 2-3. One of its two wins occurred at Rich Stadium in 1987, 31-28, thanks to a late interception by linebacker Bob Crable.
Conclusion: I never liked Bob Crable, even when he played for Notre Dame. EDGE: BILLS

Opening Games Played When the US has a President With a Monosyllabic Last Name & With “U” Being the Lone Vowel

During both Bush presidencies (George H – 1989-1992 & George W – 2001-2008) the Bills compiled a 7-5 opening game record, while the Jets muddled at 6-6. Conclusion: The Bills won its last opening game under this category in 2008, trouncing Seattle 34-10. Hence, momentum favors Buffalo. EDGE: BILLS

Team Nicknames

The Bills are named after Buffalo Bill Cody, a legendary Wild West figure who, among many things, galloped in the Pony Express, hunted Buffalo on windswept plains, and had a town named after him (Cody, Wyoming) that would later serve as the birthplace of artist Jackson Pollock. The Jets are named after a silver tube with wings that serves snacks at 29,000 feet. EDGE: BILLS

Cool Fun Fact Factor

The Bills are the only team in NFL history to appear in 4 consecutive Super Bowls. The Jets are the only professional sport franchise in the history of the free world to have had a head coach named Weeb. EDGE: BILLS

Famous Fan Factor

The late, great Tim Russert rooted for the Bills. Adam Sandler cheers for the Jets. Russert gave us Meet the Press. Sandler gave us Little Nicky. Meet the Press educated us. Little Nicky annoyed us. EDGE: BILLS

Stadium Factor

The last concert in Buffalo’s New Era Field attracted U2. The last concert in the Jets’ MetLife Stadium took place August 23rd and featured Justin Bieber. Conclusion: Bono is cooler than Bieber. EDGE: BILLS

Final Outcome

Based on the presented evidence expect the Bills to win easily 36 – 13.

 

 

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

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