Russ Brandon’s Top Marketing Nightmares

By Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Sports Humorist

In light of Anquan Boldin’s retirement, debatable trades, and uninspiring preseason play here are Pegula Sports & Entertainment’s President Russ Brandon’s other top marketing fears that could further sour the Bills’ fan base:

  • Coach McDermott announces that for the home opener the team will wear blue jerseys with no pants.
  • Team mascot, Billy Buffalo, is found reeking of peppermint schnapps in a Batavia motel room with the Philly Phanatic.
  • Kyle Williams, one week after watching the solar eclipse, retires from the team citing he’s drawn to making astronomy his life’s priority.
  • Marcell Dareus, while attending a Bison’s game, suffers a season-ending injury during the 7th inning stretch.
  • Minutes from opening day kickoff Bills players still can’t access team locker room due to plumbers still trying to fix shower drain clogged from guitarist Slash’s hair.
  • Team is sued after fan goes blind watching the solar eclipse through One Buffalo sunglasses.
  • Doug Allen, while making a special appearance, sits while singing the national anthem.
  • One Buffalo releases a new Bavarian style beer that advertises “Brewed from the waters of shimmering Ellicott Creek.”
  • Much to the disappointment of RV owners lodging overnight in the stadium’s camper lot Terry Pegula will no longer lead Sunday morning interpretive hikes exploring local wildlife habitats.
  • Desperate for any good news the team issues a press release hailing its depth at the place-kick holder position.
  • During opening day’s national anthem the equipment intern’s ankle bracelet goes off.
  • Team drops Nike as its uniform designer in favor of Jaclyn Smith.
  • Terrell Owens threatens that unless he’s added to New Era Field’s Wall of Fame he’ll give a duplicate key to the city to Dennis Rodman.

Click here for more of Jeff’s humorous sports observations.

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

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