Russ Brandon’s Top Marketing Nightmares
By Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Sports Humorist
In light of Anquan Boldin’s retirement, debatable trades, and uninspiring preseason play here are Pegula Sports & Entertainment’s President Russ Brandon’s other top marketing fears that could further sour the Bills’ fan base:
- Coach McDermott announces that for the home opener the team will wear blue jerseys with no pants.
- Team mascot, Billy Buffalo, is found reeking of peppermint schnapps in a Batavia motel room with the Philly Phanatic.
- Kyle Williams, one week after watching the solar eclipse, retires from the team citing he’s drawn to making astronomy his life’s priority.
- Marcell Dareus, while attending a Bison’s game, suffers a season-ending injury during the 7th inning stretch.
- Minutes from opening day kickoff Bills players still can’t access team locker room due to plumbers still trying to fix shower drain clogged from guitarist Slash’s hair.
- Team is sued after fan goes blind watching the solar eclipse through One Buffalo sunglasses.
- Doug Allen, while making a special appearance, sits while singing the national anthem.
- One Buffalo releases a new Bavarian style beer that advertises “Brewed from the waters of shimmering Ellicott Creek.”
- Much to the disappointment of RV owners lodging overnight in the stadium’s camper lot Terry Pegula will no longer lead Sunday morning interpretive hikes exploring local wildlife habitats.
- Desperate for any good news the team issues a press release hailing its depth at the place-kick holder position.
- During opening day’s national anthem the equipment intern’s ankle bracelet goes off.
- Team drops Nike as its uniform designer in favor of Jaclyn Smith.
- Terrell Owens threatens that unless he’s added to New Era Field’s Wall of Fame he’ll give a duplicate key to the city to Dennis Rodman.
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