Random Thoughts From the NFL Preseason’s 1st Week

by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Sports Humorist

Sammy Watkins Fun Fact

Sammy Watkins will now be taking passes in Los Angeles from the only quarterback in the NFL whose last name looks like a Batman punch sound-effect: Biff! Bam! Goff!

Surprise Move by Buffalo Bills Coach McDermott

Coach McDermott pulled off the game’s biggest surprise when he ran onto the field wearing slate gray pants, ignoring the expected standard khakis. Said one unnamed NFL official, “Gutsy clothing choice. Especially for a first-year coach in his first game.” The NFL official further added, “To place this in context Belichick never had the guts to try the hoody look until midway through his third season in New England.”

NFL Preseason Games

The first half of the Bills-Vikings game had the disorganized feel of a last second Meetup group for Large Guys with Football Helmets.

The second half was no different than watching Black Friday shoppers surging through Walmart’s just opened doors at midnight: people running without direction; bodies getting trampled; screaming and yelling.

Buffalo Bills Trade Reactions

Not everyone was pleased with last week’s trades. Bill Belichick filed a grievance with NFL headquarters over the Bills trades. Said a seething Belicheck, “I thought we had an agreement that we, and only we, get first dibs on all ex-Bills players.”

Belichick, according to unnamed sources close to the situation, was so angry he ran amuck at home with a pair of dull pruning shears lopping the sleeves off his suit coats.

Brandon Beane Almost Sets a New World Record

GM Brandon Beane, during last week’s press conference addressing the trades, fell two sentences shy of establishing a new world record for using the same cliché in consecutive sentences.

Beane, during the press conference, said:

“This is not a throw in the towel thing at all. Somebody mentioned that somebody said that out there and quite honestly that’s annoying to me because you don’t know me if you think I’m throwing in the towel. We can go out there play ping-pong and whatever we’re going to do and I’m not throwing in the towel. If we’re throwing in the towel I wouldn’t have been trying to get a starting receiver back.”

After, when Beane was asked if he knew he was close to the record said, “I sensed I was close when after the third consecutive sentence my wife and kids were rushed into the press conference area to perhaps witness history. It would had been special. But after the fourth consecutive sentence I lost focus when I saw Sullivan, I think, from the Buffalo News, roll his eyes.”

Beane added he hopes to go for the record at his next press conference using the cliché “there are no easy games in this league.”

The current record was set in 1991 by then Oakland A’s manager Tony LaRussa, who, following a loss, uttered the cliché “one game at a time” in five consecutive sentences

Rumors Overheard in a Really Long Wegman’s Checkout Line (which in Internet-speak means confirmed hard facts)

…The Bills in 2018 will move training camp to Lily Dale with the hope of improving the team’s ability to correctly call coin tosses…Family Feud this fall will pit former coaches and general managers still getting paid by Pegula Sports & Entertainment against former Sabre players still getting paid by Pegula Sports & Entertainment…The health insurance industry this week will declare “Being a Bills fan” as a pre-existing condition…Starting this week Coach McDermott, during post-game press conferences, will only take questions from the Amherst Bee…

 

 

 

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

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