Top Indications New Buffalo Bills Management is Changing the Team Culture

by Sports Humorist Jeff Wozer

  • After 17 years without a playoff appearance team is rethinking its strategy on placing all focus on trying to find a franchise punter.
  • Practice blocking sleds no longer bear resemblance to missing sofa cushions stolen from St John Fisher dorm lounge.
  • During chartered flights to road games team no longer passes around a hat for gas money.
  • This year’s weekly game plans involve more than telling players to rub Rob Ryan’s belly for good luck.
  • A member of the Gambino crime family now heads the Bills Mafia.
  • With Doug Whaley gone team no longer obsesses with trading for Carmelo Anthony.
  • After every practice on real grass players are now checked for ticks.
  • To stem fan pessimism team has asked New Era Field public address announcer to stop announcing, “Thank you for attending and drive home safely” after Bills lose the opening coin toss.
  • Bills’ practice field no longer uses red plastic beer cups for out-of-bounds markers.
  • Training camp meals are now based on nutrition rather than on what’s on sale at Aldi’s.
  • No practice time this year devoted to trying to pickoff hovering seagulls using the JUGS machine.
  • During halftime players will no longer be bussed to the Big Tree Inn for good luck boilermakers.
  • Team’s strength and conditioning coach, Eric Ciano, now in possession of 53 radioactive spiders.
  • Team no longer uses the Transit Road Drive-In for watching game films.
  • With nutrition in mind training camp breakfasts are limited to biscuits and Gatorade’s sports gravy.
  • The team’s weekly off day has moved from Sunday to Tuesday.
  • The playbook’s last 15 pages are no longer devoted to director James Cameron’s alternative endings to Titanic.
  • Terry Pegula has agreed to stop using New Era field’s locker room tunnel for storing his lawn furniture.
  • For appearance purposes during pivotal timeouts the team has agreed it’s best if the offensive coordinator is no longer seen vigorously shaking a Magic 8 Ball.
  • Before every game McDermott pins two crisp $20 bills to his red challenge flag.

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

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