by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist
Earlier this week, the Bisons held their annual “What’s new at the ballpark” event at Coca-Cola Field. Sports comedian Jeff Wozer dug into the announcement, and found the top surprises that were announced.
• Instead of having a celebrity toss the game’s first pitch he or she will throw the game’s 87th pitch.
• Due to a legal snafu with musical rights Coca-Cola Field is limited this season to only playing Paul Anka’s “She’s Having My Baby.”
• Before every game food truck drag racing on Swan Street.
• The Celery mascot has been replaced by the Some-Type-of-Half-Eaten-Roll-Found-Near-an-Allentown-Dumpster mascot.
• At the end of the 5th inning of every game meteorologist Don Paul will run on to the field wearing nothing but bicycling shorts and a sombrero and attempt to catch a greased pig.
• In an attempt to speed up the game at the start of all extra innings a runner will be placed on second base atop a Kawasaki dirt bike.
• Until further notice mascots Buster and Chip are quarantined to the outfield berm area due to tick infestations.
• If a manager attempts to visit the mound after a 4th time he’ll be arrested for jaywalking.
• To attract drunken Bills fans every game will include a 7th inning retch.
• Star Wars Night replaced with Manchester by the Sea Night.