by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist

Even bigger than the baseball last season was the Bisons mascot races, and the retirement of Celery.  He’s been replaced by Carrott & Beef On Weck.

But Buffalo Sports Page humorist Jeff Wozer, thanks to sources in the produce section, has discovered that Celery isn’t handling retirement very well.

• Caught on a Wegman’s security camera cold-cocking a vegetarian.

• Falsely accused the Bisons’ new carrot mascot of giving it aphids.

• Found reeking of rum in a Tonawanda motel room with Geico’s gecko.

• Heavy circles of pesticide residue under its eyes.

• Invested in a Florida timeshare with Richie Incognito.

• Claims it has naked photos of the Bisons’ new Beef-on-Weck mascot.

• Frequents Allentown bar scene complaining to anyone who will listen that the Green Giant won’t return its calls.

• Appeared at a recent fundraiser wearing inappropriate t-shirt that read “If the crisper drawer is rockin’ don’t come knockin’.”

• Reneged on handshake agreement with acclaimed writer Budd Bailey to pen its memoir, “From Bloody Mary Garnish to Beloved Buffalo Bison Mascot.”

• Got audited by IRS for claiming Miracle-Gro as a deduction.

Here’s more of Jeff’s always interesting take on Buffalo sports, including golfers and Richie Incognito.

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

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