by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist
Even bigger than the baseball last season was the Bisons mascot races, and the retirement of Celery. He’s been replaced by Carrott & Beef On Weck.
But Buffalo Sports Page humorist Jeff Wozer, thanks to sources in the produce section, has discovered that Celery isn’t handling retirement very well.
• Caught on a Wegman’s security camera cold-cocking a vegetarian.
• Falsely accused the Bisons’ new carrot mascot of giving it aphids.
• Found reeking of rum in a Tonawanda motel room with Geico’s gecko.
• Heavy circles of pesticide residue under its eyes.
• Invested in a Florida timeshare with Richie Incognito.
• Claims it has naked photos of the Bisons’ new Beef-on-Weck mascot.
• Frequents Allentown bar scene complaining to anyone who will listen that the Green Giant won’t return its calls.
• Appeared at a recent fundraiser wearing inappropriate t-shirt that read “If the crisper drawer is rockin’ don’t come knockin’.”
• Reneged on handshake agreement with acclaimed writer Budd Bailey to pen its memoir, “From Bloody Mary Garnish to Beloved Buffalo Bison Mascot.”
• Got audited by IRS for claiming Miracle-Gro as a deduction.