War of 1812 Football Prognostication
Baltimore (-4) @ JACKSONVILLE 39.5
Thanks to Matt Stafford’s new contract, Ravens’ Joe Flacco is no longer the NFL poster boy for salary largess and delusional quarterback performance expectations. The human ATM and his Ravens slide into soggy Jacksonville under the radar at 2-0.
Strangely, this may be their toughest contest after running the table on that Ohio duo of indelible mediocrity, the Bengals and Browns.
Brutal: JAGUARS +4
Bob: JAGUARS +4
Cleveland (-1) @ INDIANAPOLIS 40.5
QB DeShone Kizer of the Cleveland Browns suffers from migraines and had to have himself pulled during last week’s loss against the linear Browns of Baltimore in Crab Cake City. Just what Cleveland needed, a decent young quarterback who wants to play for the team, being internally hamstrung by circulatory restriction-brain chemistry issues.
Normally quarterbacks for Cleveland don’t develop neuralgia until they’ve played at least a half dozen games behind that offensive line. As a long time sufferer from migraines we sympathize with the ex-Fighting Irish quarterback. We knew he suffered from headaches at college, but thought there was a logical explanation.
Enduring a half dozen of Head Coach Brian Kelly’s profane laced motivational dressing downs at half-time will do that to a young man. Kelly, fined & disciplined several times by the Catholic school for his less than acceptable locker room/sideline vocal antics has a way with words.
His grandiloquent cursing puts Captain Haddock from the Tintin comics to shame.
Kizer’s professional coach, the normally soft spoken Hue Jackson must feel cursed. An offensive minded, play-calling coach having to deal with such an unexpected, unpredictable variable that just adds to the new variable of eternal damnation that surfaces every year when coaching in Cleveland.
Oh well, Kizer should be okay this week in Indianapolis. The Colts’ star QB Andrew Luck is still MIA, ….. Head Coach Chuck Pagano is in contract limbo and Starship Trooper owner Jim Irsay is metaphysically circling Lucas Oil Stadium hallucinating that he has a competitive football team.
Brutal: Browns -1
Bob: COLTS +1
New York Football Giants @ PHILADELPHIA (-6) 43.5
The Big Apple is abuzz over the slow start from the Giants and Jets. The Jets were expected to be impotent, but for some reason people keep thinking the Giants are a decent football team.
Head Coach Ben McAdoo has proven less than adequate in the inspiration department.
Plans to kick-start their season by bringing in motivational speakers to unite the locker room in sense and purpose have hit a snag with the first booked orator. Unfortunately, 95 year old Jake LaMotta passed away this past week. This is unlucky, because on his worst day in the ring, the ex-boxing champion and inspiration for ‘Raging Bull’ showed more heart than this offense. Plans to have New York native and Academy Award winning actor Robert DeNiro who portrayed LaMotta in the movie substitute for were shelved due to scheduling difficulties.
Good thing. As great an actor as DeNiro is, he isn’t much of a speech maker, especially when channeling roles he’s played in movies and keeping the characters separate during these types of presentations. There was the distinct possibility the Giants would be further confused or demoralized if he lapsed into Jimmy Conway, Rupert Pupkin or Travis Bickle.
Giants founder like flounders for another week in the City of Brotherly Love.
Brutal: EAGLES -6
Bob: EAGLES -6
Miami (-6.5) @ NEW YORK J-E-T-S,JETS! JETS! JETS! 41.5
In response to the ongoing issue of concussions and long term mental health, the Canadian Football League recently banned full pads, contact practices during the regular season. Never to be left behind, the always prescient & forward thinking New York Jets have banned full contact tackling during the fourth quarter.
The Dolphins and the “Nicotine Warrior” got lucky last week in Orange County California. Call us concussed, but we are going to back “The Tanking Jets” anyway to cover at home against a division rival playing their second road game in a row and led by a quarterback Jay Cutler, who is about as reliable as a Ouija Board, fossil fuel company sponsored climate science and the renegade boxing judge in the Golovkin-Alvarez fight.
Brutal: JETS +6.5
Bob: Dolphins -6.5
Denver (-3.5) @ BUFFALO 40
Bills fans were shocked this week to find out that recently traded wide receiver Sammy Watkins believes that the world is flat. Like NBA guard Kyrie Irving this belief was garnered from surfing the internet. Spending too many hours on Lizard People Alien Invaders, Chem-trail Mass Hypnosis and Russian sponsored ‘Real Science’ themed websites will do that to you.
Sigh, it is safe to assume that Sammy & Kyrie did not attend any Geology, Physics, Astronomy or Basic Common Frigging Sense classes at Clemson or Duke respectively.
Broncos get their first road test this year. We’ll bank that the Buffalo Bills manage to keep this game low scoring and cover.
Brutal: BILLS +3.5
Bob: Bills +3.5
New Orleans @ CAROLINA (-5.5) 48
Drew Brees vs. Cam Newton in Charlotte. Not quite Loki vs. Heindall at Ragnarok, but still quite possibly a compelling match-up of mythological leaders with very different skill sets. A sloppy offense yet to click against a very good defense, ….. or a missing on three cylinders offense against a bad defense.
We’ll take the points backing the Oscar Madison offense over the one that has thrown a rod through the engine wall.
Brutal: Saints +5.5
Bob: Saints +5.5
Pittsburgh (-8) @ CHICAGO 45.5
Swedish Super-group ABBA has announced they are planning a massive concert world tour. They will be traversing the planet, playing huge stadiums, ….. as holograms!
Now we know there is a “Seventh Ring of Hell” in Dante’s Inferno.
These greedy Scandinavians will be suckering people on every continent with this Wizard of Oz chicanery. Unfortunately there will not be a shortage of aging Baby Boomer parents attending who will find the hundreds of Dollars, Pounds, Deutschmarks, Yen & Yuans require to attend these international cash grabs.
P.T. Barnum was right, there are suckers born every minute, and the apples don’t fall far from the trees. We can witness the genetic prodigy of these fans of the Norse Bubblegum Pop Music Manifestations every time we attend a Nickelback, Dave Matthews Band or Creed reunion concert.
The “Eighth Ring of Hell” will occur when the Chicago Bears bow to the mob, bench the giraffe necked Mike Glennon and throw overreach first round draft pick Mitch Trubisky to the wolves.
Bears still cover at home.
Brutal: BEARS +8
Bob: Bears + 8
Atlanta (-3) @ DETROIT 49
Arguably the best game of the day. That is if you believe the early season hype that both of these teams are heading for a rematch at the end of the year in a showdown in the NFC Final.
We don’t see Detroit boss Jim Caldwell grasping the stage as a big game coach anymore than we feel Melania Trump comprehends the concept of irony when she gives a speech at the United Nations about bullying.
Brutal: Falcons -3
Bob: Lions +3
Tampa Bay @ MINNESOTA NL
No line on this game due to the questionable status of Minnesota quarterback Sam Bradford and six more potential, non climate change induced disasters of the century heading towards the Swampland State that might prevent the Buccaneers from leaving Tampa Bay.
Vikes lost last week in Pittsburgh without Sam Bradford. Backup Case Keenum did not turn the ball over, but a ridiculous number of penalties hamstrung the Norsemen’s drives.
Tampa Bay has looked pretty good this year behind Quarterback & seafood savant, Jameis Captain Highliner Winston, but this will be a big test, ….. indoors, deafeningly loud and far from home. So far, visiting offenses have struggled with the Motorhead decibel levels in the brand new Nordic Dome.
We’ll just take the Vikings against any posted spread in the interest of completist, obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
Houston @ NEW ENGLAND (-13.5) 43.5
The Boston Red Sox were recently fined by Major League Baseball for stealing signs using an Apple Watch. Head Coach and Director of Espionage for the Patriots, Bill “Q” Belichik is apparently intrigued. This may end up in his arsenal of “Win at All and Any Costs!” playbook of subterfuge and cheating.
Opposition sideline spies wearing Apple watches may go down as one of his new preferred tactics alongside previous winners like videotaping opposition Super Bowl practices, deflating footballs and planting disparaging stories on social media about opposition coaches drowning kittens.
In related news, New England has put out feelers to hire the “sign language communicator” that the Florida State government hired last week to interpret the Governor’s television instructions during Hurricane Irma.
Apparently this fraud knew as much sign language as I do. He continually signed the words/term: “Monster Pizza Bear” to the television audience.
Fortunately, there are no reports of any confusion regarding these instructions causing death to any deaf Floridians. Thankfully none were misled into evacuating to dangerous locations or became convinced they were about to be attacked by something gastronomically induced out of a “Larry the Cable Guy” binge eating nightmare.
The Patriots think this entrepreneurial false-flag artist of finger semaphore could be employed as a useful diversionary measure to disrupt counter-intelligence spies from other teams. That is if there are still opposing squads who think that NFL teams use sideline mimes to communicate to the quarterback via hand signs.
If that isn’t effective, the always budget conscious Patriots he can have his act re-purposed to play to the fans in the stands and subliminally increase sales of overpriced ketchup & bread New England style pizza at the concession stands.
They won’t need any of those typical nefarious Belichikian means to beat the “Dead Cow Heads” from Houston Sunday. Despite our reservations with the big spread and New England’s perpetual injuries on offence, we’ll reluctantly back the team with the Nobel Laureate author of “TB12” quarterbacking their team.
Reluctantly we take the mega Hydrocolonic Therapy cleansing advocate Tom Brady and the stinking Patriots.
Brutal: PATRIOTS -13.5
Bob: Pats -13.5
………. 4:05 pm – 4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time ………….
Seattle @ TENNESSEE (-2.5) 43
We commented last week that the Seattle offensive line was put together on a dare, and after two weeks, it doesn’t look like we were joking. They barely won at home last week over dreadful San Francisco. The Seahawks have infested or rather invested 65% of their salary cap room on the defensive side of the ball, …. and it shows.
QB Russell Wilson is better out of the pocket, but with no running game, scrambling for his life on every other down isn’t a viable long-term plan. Despite the fat shaming and late night refrigerator guilt suffered by RB Eddie Lacy, fans should stop blaming him too much for the non existent ground game. The truth is Jim Brown, OJ and Walter Payton couldn’t run effectively behind that three quarter tonne aggregate assemblage of five sloppy sacks of rotting potatoes.
The Titans, despite their own handicap in the manifestation of the Bronze Age offensive generalship of HC Mike Mularkey, should be able to win a close one at home over a far less balanced Seahawks’ squad.
Brutal: TITANS -2.5
Bob: Seahawks +2.5
Cincinnati @ GREEN BAY (-9) 45
The Bengals will score a touchdown this week and cover this spread. It may not be by the offense, but this prophecy is in the bag.
Brutal: Bengals +9
Bob: PACK -9
Kansas City (-3.5) @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS 46
The Chiefs, kind of acting like the Jets or that other self destructive team in the District of Columbia are possibly sabotaging a potentially great season. By openly shopping starting quarterback Alex Smith they are sending confusing messages.
Nothing like undermining the self-esteem of the perpetually doubted former first overall draft pick. Kansas City has more weapons than ever, an impact, duo threat running back/receiver in Toledo product Kareem Hunt along with speed merchant WR Tyreek Hill and reliable TE Travis Kelce.
This is a division game, the Los Angeles Super Chargers are due after failing to beat their AFC rivals as the San Diego Chargers for six straight games. The move to Disneyland beats the jinx and seven is unlucky, coming up craps for the Chiefs.
Call us crazy but we’ll take the Orange County Chargers at home in their cute little soccer stadium.
Brutal: CHARGERS +3.5
Bob: Chargers +3.5
………….. 8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time …………..
Oakland (-3) @ WASHINGTON 54
The perennial vagabond, Nomad Chapter biker gang, rogue state team of the NFL vs. The Politically Incorrect Champions in the Nation’s Capital.
This week the rouge pigmented human bounties of Little Danny Snyder placed once highly regarded safety Su’a Cravens on the reserve/left team list for no apparent reason due to the fact there was no official explanation.
We’d call it a Public Relations error, but the Washington DC football team hasn’t had a functioning PR Department since the vertically challenged one seized ownership of this team in 1999 and commenced running it into the ground.
Brutal: Raiders -3
Bob: Raiders -3
……… Monday, September 18, 2017 ………………..
………….. 8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time …………
Dallas (-3) @ ARIZONA 47.5
People in the Lone Star State are outraged with RB Ezekial Elliott.
No, it’s not because he is the first reigning rushing champion in history to ever gain less than 10 rushing yards in a game the following season. It’s because on two separate occasions in last Sunday’s game in The Mile High City, this Ohio Buckeye great disgusted every good Texas resident and Cowboy fan. His lackadaisical Urban Meyer mentored work ethic when things go poorly, was on display for all to see. His indifference to the prospect of tackling the Bronco defenders who came away with two turnovers in his immediate vicinity had Dallas fans seeing red.
The Owner, General Manager, Chief Scout, Backseat Driver, Monday Morning Quarterback, Small Football Market Assassin of the Cowboys has a different take: Jerry Jones sees an opportunity in Elliott’s poor performance. Citing his virtual absence from this contest, he’s lobbying the NFL to count this game as part of his eventually mandated suspension.
Dallas fans are not so forgiving or practical. They are Texas Mad about Ezekiel’s performance and have burned up social media and the sports talk phone lines venting their rage.
We know, …. they’re overreacting just a bit. They should shelve their outrage for things that are worthy of it. Thank goodness for Zeke he hasn’t been involved in any real crimes and hasn’t assaulted any women or anything.
Brutal: CARDINALS +3
Bob: Cowboys -3