by Mr. Brutal, Special to Buffalo Sports Page
War of 1812 Football Prognostication: Week Ten 2018
Every year, Bob Gaughan & Mr. Brutal engage in a cross border competition of picking each week’s NFL games against each other with unknown, yet very high stakes on the line for the year end.
………… Sunday, November 11, 2018 ……………..
…………… 1:00 pm Eastern Standard Time ……………
Detroit @ CHICAGO (-6.5) 44.5
Three things we learned in these last few weeks:
1.) In Nevada during “Nevada Day” ( the state holiday celebrating Nevada’s statehood granted in 1864 ), you can park your vehicle anywhere ( loading zone, handicapped & no parking spots etc.) and not receive a ticket because the police and meter maids don’t issue them.
2.) Head coach Jon Gruden announced during a press conference that dozens of players call him every week and are “dying” to play for him. He didn’t name names, but we suspect they were voices only he could hear on the other end of the line.
3.) Only one game out of first, the Detroit Lions gave up on the season when they traded WR Golden Tate away to the Philadelphia Eagles. In two weeks when they play these Bears in a Thanksgiving rematch, they will be two more games out of first.
Mr. Brutal: BEARS -6.5
Bob: Bears -6.5
New Orleans (-4.5) @ CINCINNATI 54
Everybody is loving the Saints after their win over the Rams and the continuation of their seven game winning streak in the dome last week, but they head to Cincinnati on Sunday to play the rested Bengals, coming in off the bye in 40 degree Fahrenheit, windy weather. Our team of destiny for 2018 has more than a shot.
The Saints signed ex Cowboys’ WR Dez Bryant this week in the spirit of stacking the roster like New England or Alabama but it didn’t last long. He ripped his Achilles in practice and likely ended his career. Oh well, at least he doesn’t have to deal with the Saints’ front office on a weekly basis anymore ( the same general manager and scouting staff who asked him during draft preparations years ago if his mother was a prostitute ).
The Prophet Daniel may have defeated the lions, but no Catholic human being of virtue we are aware of throughout history or canon fiction ever fully subjugated the aggressive tendencies of the largest and most fearsome feline on the planet: The tiger.
Mr. Brutal: BENGALS +4.5
Bob: BENGALS +4.5
Atlanta (-4) @ CLEVELAND 51
The Falcons are flying again, and they’ll have to keep winning to get a wild card playoff spot because it looks like the Saints are going to win the NFC South, especially after watching Cam Newton and the Panthers “Peterman” away their chances last night in Pittsburgh.
In other tangential news regarding Atlanta: A recent review by Amnesty International ruled that recent elections in the country of Georgia in the Caucuses were fairer and more democratic than the recent mid-term Governor’s contest in the state of Georgia.
The weather will be cold in Ohio, but not as cold as the Browns’ offense. Interim head coach Greg Williams has as much contempt for offensive innovation and imagination as he has for creating passable disguises while stalking the sideline when he has been banned from a game.
Mr. Brutal: Falcons -4
Bob: Browns +4
New England (-7) @ TENNESSEE 46.5
In an upset, the winning streak ends in Nashville in the Malcolm Butler Bowl.
Mr. Brutal: TITANS +7
Bob: TITANS +7
Jacksonville @ INDIANAPOLIS (-3) 46.5
Despite Andrew Luck’s reduction in throwing range, the Colts beat the Jags because they at least still have an NFL offense and the Jaguars have so far failed to sign Colin Kaepernick, Kurt Warner, Mark Brunell, Eli Manning or the recently released “Lost Mummy of Imhotep” ( Sam Bradford ) or anybody else to replace Blake Bortles and salvage their season.
Mr. Brutal: COLTS -3
Bob: COLTS -3
Arizona @ KANSAS CITY (-16.5) 50
In Arizona, only one party has to approve of a private conversation being recorded for it to be legal. This was a lesson the Ottawa Senators recently learned when eight of them got into an Uber van and mildly bitched and moaned about their special teams coach who had not improved their power play of penalty killing units. This driver then put the video up on the internet and an entire generation once again reacted to something frivolous & stupid; the kind of thing that we gave up caring about in Junior High.
We’d have loved to be a fly on the wall in the Cardinals’ mid week meetings recording their game plan to beat the Chiefs this week in Kansas City. This is highly unlikely, but the bye week Cardinals might just cover.
Mr. Brutal: Cardinals +16.5
Bob: Chiefs -16.5
Buffalo @ NEW YORK J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS! (-7) 37
God, Sam Darnold is out which means 50 year old Josh McCown is starting for the Jets at QB and he is probably an improvement over the rookie who has been rushed into duty this year and hopefully is not ruined. This likely means that New York will win this game over the sinking Bills, but we are loathe to favour them by a touchdown over anybody this year except their intramural partners, the New York Football Giants.
Mr. Brutal: Bills +7
Bob: Jets -7
Washington @ TAMPA BAY (-3) 51.5
The trial of Mexican drug lord Chapo Guzman is about to start in Brooklyn New York, and the prosecution is having trouble finding jurors. Citizens are terrified to serve on the jury due to safety concerns regarding their families. Many have been recused from serving their civic duty to assess the crimes of the cocaine lord due to dubious conflicts-of-interest. Actual criteria that have been accepted as grounds to skip being picked include: liking the Netflix series Narcos, being a major admirer of the movie Scarface or being fans of the NBA in the late 1970’s.
We would rather risk serving on that jury than wager meaningful money on this game.
Mr. Brutal: BUCCANEERS -3
Bob: Bucs -3
…………….. 4:05 pm – 4:25 pm Eastern Standard Time ………
Los Angeles Chargers (-9.5) @ OAKLAND 50.5
The “Black Hole of Calcutta” refers to a three day episode in 1756 revolving around the history of Colonial Great Britain’s rule over India. During an uprising in the Indian city, a small number of British soldiers and their allies held out, but were ultimately consumed by the battle or captured ( kind of like The Alamo ). The captured men and their Indian allies were hoarded into a small prison that was so cramped that most of them died from suffocation, disease or starvation over the next few days.
Eventually the English regained control of the situation and they saluted the efforts of their fallen comrades by idolizing the losing battle and the suffering of their soldiers ( kind of like The Alamo ). However, there was little acknowledgement of the legitimacy of the Indian rebels’ cause due to their terrible treatment at the hands of the British.
The Raider locker room had their own uprising the day 100 million dollar coach Jon Gruden ejected UB product and future Hall of Fame linebacker Khalil Mack to the Windy City. The Raiders might cover another game this year, but it is unlikely they’ll win, certainly not this weekend in this quick rematch from a couple of weeks ago against their AFC West rivals from Orange County.
….. and “The Black Hole of Calcutta” in the Oakland stands will continue to consume their fan base’s hopes for the next two years until they carpetbag off to Vegas.
Mr Brutal: Chargers -9.5
Bob: Chargers -9.5
Miami @ GREEN BAY (-9.5) 47.5
Distressed warm water mammals flopping on the frozen tundra of Wisconsin. Somebody call PETA.
Mr. Brutal: PACKERS -9.5
Bob: Miami +9.5
Seattle @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-10 ) 51.5
Yes the Rams should bounce back from their loss in New Orleans, but we like the improving Seahawks to cover this double digit game in the cavernous LA Colosseum via the rear entrance.
Mr. Brutal: Seahawks +10
Bob: Seahawks +10
………………. 8:20 pm Eastern Standard Time ……………
Dallas @ PHILADELPHIA (-6.5) 43
The Eagles are coming in off the bye, and except for the delayed return of Swiss Army Knife Darren Sproles to spark the offense, Philadelphia is the healthiest they have been all year. Dallas owner Jerry Jones has had trouble for over a decade pulling the plug on his head coach Jason Garrett and putting him out of his misery. Garrett could resign and recuse himself from coaching the team by resigning like former Attorney General Jeff Sessions. If he did, Jones could hire an even bigger supplicant head coach stooge, someone like acting AG Matt Whitaker who would clean his eye glasses, polish his car, edit his bathroom selfies as well as acquiesce to his every whim, brilliant stratagem & eureka moment that he constantly espouses at press conferences like he just returned from Mount Sinai with the ten keys to winning another Super Bowl.
Mr. Brutal: EAGLES -6.5
Bob: Eagles -6.5
……. Monday, November 12, 2018 ………
………………. 8:20 pm Eastern Standard Time ……………
New York Football Giants @ SAN FRANCISCO (-3) 43.5
The painful Eli Manning farewell concert tour possibly ends in the Bay Area this week, just like the “Live” careers of The Beatles and The Sex Pistols did at the Cow Palace in downtown San Francisco in two separate concerts well over a decade apart ( two very separate bands of very varying degrees of talent too).
The Who also had a memorable date at that venue. Keith Moon, legendary drummer of the band passed out behind his kit during a show after ingesting enough horse tranquilizer to euthanize Northern Dancer and all his offspring. Being the road warriors they were, the band recruited from the stage and got a fan to finish the concert by taking Moon’s place and surprisingly providing adequate percussion for the bulk of the concert.
The best bet regarding this game is that it will be the worst rated Monday Night game of the year ( Thank goodness the Bills-Jets contest didn’t get this spot and usurp that honour ).
Mr. Brutal: Forty Niners -3
Bob: Forty Niners -3
Last Week: Mr. Brutal: 5-7
Year-to-Date: Mr. Brutal: 60-60-2
Bye: Denver, Minnesota, Baltimore, Houston