by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist
Monday’s night’s Bills-Patriots game, based on history, could be a blowout. But ESPN is always worried about ratings. So sports humorist Jeff Wozer has come up with some ways that the network could keep fans interest in case the game gets out of hand.
• Cut to Steven A. Smith attempting to enter Canada using Kim Pegula’s passport.
• Page through old Victoria Secret catalogs for pictures of Tom Brady’s wife.
• Borrow Holiday Valley snow making machines.
• Cut to Snoopy Blimp captain dropping water balloons on Channel 2’s 10 p.m. Rooftop Weather report.
• Hire Swedish escorts to join Bill Belichick in Gatorade shower.
• Cut to a liquored-up Lee Corso running through Orchard Park neighborhoods soaping windows.
• Hire Rachel Ray to demonstrate how to make a dropped-tailgate-food-found-in-parking-lot pot pie.
• Cut to close-up of Belichick just as ESPN switches his headphones to Sirus radio’s Billy Joel channel.
• Take on-air bets for the over/under on Orchard Park police DWI arrests.
• During second half have Suzy Kolber try to get Belichick to fall for the “pull my finger” trick.