by Jeff Wozer, Buffalo Sports Page Humorist

Everyone has New Year’s resolutions this time of year.  Even mascots.  Buffalo Sabres mascot Sabretooth has prepared his list, and sports humorist Jeff Wozer has uncovered a copy.

• Date a Muppet.

• Dispel rumors it’s about to be traded to Detroit for a mascot to be named later.

• Get tail pierced.

• Pay National Enquirer $150 thousand to kill story of its alleged affair with Stormy Daniels.

• Buy pants.

• Apply for concealed t-shirt launcher permit.

• Get KeyBank Center security to keep kids away during cigarette breaks.

• Make decision on changing name and applying for the St. Louis opening as Blues-Tooth.

• Find dry cleaner who makes house calls to remove red wine stain from left elbow.

• After 20 years of not talking reconnect with paternal father, Frosted Flake’s Tony the Tiger.

Jeff Wozer

Nationally touring stand-up comedian Jeff Wozer has performed with some of comedy’s biggest acts – Martin Short, John Oliver, Brian Reagan – and on some of comedy’s biggest stages – Red Rocks Amphitheater, the Las Vegas strip, Great American Comedy Festival.

His humor articles have appeared in more than 40 publications including ESPN’s Active.com, Rocky Mountain Sports and the Explorer Club’s Explorer’s Journal.

Prior to veering into comedy he worked as a sports and news director for WFAD in Middlebury, Vermont where he won an Associated Press award for hockey play-by-play. And he spent two years as the play-by-play voice for the Vail Avalanche junior hockey team in Vail, Colorado.

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